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Quick! Fire up the Charcoal Grills, Coal Plants and Remove Your Catalytic Converters – BRING BACK GLOBAL WARMING!

Dear Lord it’s freezing in Virginia. Snow, Ice, Polar Vortexes (or is it vortices), school closings (before the first flake falls) and not a gallon of milk or loaf of bread anywhere!

Damn I miss global warming!

Remember back when the polar ice caps were all going to melt and polar bears wouldn’t have enough ice to eat, or whatever the liberals were in a panic about? All I remember is seeing several polar bears fighting over a raft made out of ice. But something I have always wondered, if polar bears moved to warmer climates where there is actual food to eat would they find out they prefer warmth to frigid? I know I do.

And if they hung out in Florida would they eventually tan? And what SPF would a polar bear need in Margaritaville? And is Margaritaville even in Florida?

But the good news is we won. We kicked Global Warming’s a$$. But apparently we have cut out too much of the carbon that was keeping us warm.

And now it’s colder than Nancy Pelosi’s black heart at midnight on Halloween out there!

Virginia is in the south. Or at least it is supposed to be! I live here because it’s not too hot like muggy Miami in August and it is not too cold like frigid Fargo in January.

But I have reached the point that I must concede. Global Warming was real and it is caused by carbon.

There. I said it. The liberals were right. Not as often as a stopped clock, but this time they nailed it.

But the good news is we now know how to control the weather! Carbon is the key. It is like the thermostat in your hallway or the burner control on your stove. Carbon is the key. Who knew? (Well, besides Mikkos Cassadine on General Hospital over 3 decades ago.)

Icebound Antarctic research vessel awaits icebreaker releaseI think the most convincing proof that we have now conquered the weather was that research ship they sent to take pictures of starving polar bears in the “tepid” waters of Antarctica.

Remember that?

Those “scientists” who set out to “prove” global warming was still an ongoing crisis (despite overwhelming  evidence to the contrary) got their huge research ship stuck tighter than Chris Cristie in a Volkswagen Bug in the ice they thought had melted.

And then the rescue ship got stuck, too.

It was kind of like when you get something stuck between your teeth and try to get it out with something else that gets stuck too.

And I think both are equally embarrassing.

I think I am a bit closer to understanding Noah’s joy when the dove returned with the olive branch. The emergency is over. (Sorry Libs. I know it’s not fair using a Biblical reference. But sometimes we grownups do that. When you grow up you’ll understand. Ok. Maybe not. So when the earth was flooded Noah sent out a dove to see if it could find land. When the dove came back with an olive branch stuck in it’s teeth Noah knew the floods were receding. Noah was a smart man and if he were alive today he wouldn’t need to see a ship stuck in ice to know it wasn’t hot anymore.)

But apparently we have gone so far as to remove the last trace of carbon from the atmosphere and the results have been disastrous.

Suddenly snow storms have names! When I was a kid, storms were all nameless, faceless inanimate weather systems. They just came, dumped snow,  gave us a day off tzvortexfrom school and the opportunity to ride a sled down a hill into a yet unfrozen Tate’s Pond. And man, that was cold!

The panic in the media over what used to be just a snow storm is amusing. I could understand the angst if the snow exploded when it hit the ground, but it just silently falls and blankets everything. Just like it always has.

Unfortunately now we have reversed the anthropogenic warming phenomenon to the point that the polar nether-regions are hurling polar voritces at us with startling regularity – like every Tuesday.

Now when I was a kid we had the occasional vortex. I’m pretty sure that the Twilight Zone used to run an actual picture of one.

You could actually see them. Those things used to suck unsuspecting people into another dimension. I think it was the 5th Dimension or something.

Now they are just cold. Really cold. I’m talking freeze your toothpaste when you leave it in the car cold. (Speaking of which, should such an emergency rise don’t – I repeat DON’T – thaw the paste in a motel sink of hot water. The tube of paste becomes a watery liquid. And if you happen to be in Fargo, ND in the winter and you remember to bring your suitcase into the hotel room and not leave it overnight in the trunk no matter how drunk you are, that is even better.)

But here is what we need to do.

When these bitterly cold “reverse warming” events occur, don’t panic, burn something. The more carbon the better. Coal, charcoal, lighter fluid, heck, drink soda or beer and burp away. Remember, we need warmth!

So let those industries belch out the carbon infused smoke and gasses. Release as much freon as possible. (Or was that the Ozone Hole we fixed a while back?)

Release the methane bloated cattle. And breed baby breed! (Al Gore said meat causes warming.)

Wood stoves and charcoal grills are the order of the day! And I have been running my lawn mower for 24 hours, just doing my part. And in spite of low traction in my snow covered yard it is pretty cool to mow snow. At least until you find the frozen droppings from my 140 pound Golden Retriever / Boxer mix hiding under the white camouflage that I have been unable to pooper-scoop since the last weather event.

And all this time I thought global warming was a hoax. Especially after I found out the scientists making up the “overwhelming scientific consensus” were all UC Berkeley Political science grad students.

But that doesn’t matter any more.

Burn baby Burn, it’s going to be a 3 Dog Night. And would you please turn off those useless windmills. They are acting like giant fans cooling us off.


About Tom White

Tom is a US Navy Veteran, owns an Insurance Agency and is currently an IT Manager for a Virginia Distributor. He has been published in American Thinker, currently writes for the Richmond Examiner as well as Virginia Right! Blog. Tom lives in Hanover County, Va and is involved in politics at every level and is a Recovering Republican who has finally had enough of the War on Conservatives in progress with the Leadership of the GOP on a National Level.

10 Responses to “Quick! Fire up the Charcoal Grills, Coal Plants and Remove Your Catalytic Converters – BRING BACK GLOBAL WARMING!”

  1. Jadine S. Jett says:

    Correct me if I’m wrong but didn’t the man who invented the internet, you know AL Gore,say that the Polar ice caps would be completely melted/gone by 2014?

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Tom White Says:

Nothing is more conservative than a republican wanting to get their majority back. And nothing is more liberal than a republican WITH a majority.

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