Categorized | Opinion

Ground Breaking Study Reveals Republican Conspiracy!

In a stunning report, which has no doubt already shaken America to its very knees, the brilliant social scientists as Salon have unearthed a truth which will surely destroy the Republican Party for generations to come.

Through obscure and tireless effort, Sean McElwee has discovered, in America (Yes America itself!), that folks who are not registered to vote, vote significantly less often than folk who are registered to vote. Skeptical? I was too! I simply could not believe it. For the last 24 hours I’ve been trying to wrap my brain around this groundbreaking discovery.

Alas, the evidence is overwhelming. They even have a chart which proves that the less registered you are, the less often you are contacted by political operatives!

voting-3There it is my friends. If you are registered and you live at the actual residence you are registered under, you are more likely to be contacted by a political campaign. If you are registered to some residence, but refuse to live there, you are still more likely to be contacted by a campaign than if you were not registered at all!

Like Salon, I can only conclude that these shocking correlations are necessarily the consequence of Republican Conspiracy, racism, and heterosexuality.

My friends, it’s time to give up. It’s time to give in. Salon has pulled back the curtain; and we non-liberals have been exposed.

In other news, similar researchers have discovered that people that register as Democrats, overwhelming vote for Democrats in both primary and general elections.

And in France, deeply disturbing news: After 75 years of study, and over 930 million Euro invested, a positive correlation has been discovered between the incidence of drug addiction and both weekly and daily drug use.

In my own life, I’ve noticed disturbingly similar trends! By nearly a factor of 20, the vast majority of people who work out at the gym I work out in, have actual memberships to my gym. This inequality disturbs me, frightens me, and shakes me to my core. I haven’t worked out in hours.

These are perilous times. Only Hillary Clinton can save us.

About Steven Brodie Tucker

Graduated with a degree in Philosophy from Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University. Also studied economics and political science at George Mason.

One Response to “Ground Breaking Study Reveals Republican Conspiracy!”

  1. Gary Porter

    Well done.


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Tom White Says:

Nothing is more conservative than a republican wanting to get their majority back. And nothing is more liberal than a republican WITH a majority.

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